defeated

[sharli]

I START THE DAY, THE WAR BEGINS
ENDLESS REMINDING OF MY SINS

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The wind brushed the blond hair away from Jasper’s forehead. He tilted his eyes up and gazed at the sky as he dragged his feet through the damp grass. The sky amazed him. He could look up at it a thousand times and always glean something different. Always, he felt small in comparison to it, but tonight it especially captivated him. The black sky, bordering on deep blue, enveloped the expanse dotted with tiny bits of glitter.

The sound of trickling water brought him back to the real world. He had reached the spot; a secluded place in the woods by a creek. The trees stood in a circle around a little dip that led down to the flowing water. If you walked down the tiny slope you could hide from the world. No one would be able to see you until they stood right above you. Often Jasper had visited there to be alone, to think about all that had gone on, all the trouble he’d caused and gotten himself into, whether it was all worth it or not. Less often, he thought about how much he missed his old life.

Things had been simpler then, despite the constant guilt he felt for his victims. He’d been a vampire, living the way a vampire was supposed to live. It was instinctual to kill humans, to lust for their blood and on nights like this when he felt so defeated it was very easy to become nostalgic…to entertain thoughts of leaving. It would be so easy…just get up and go; leave his failed attempts at this life behind him.

Why was he here anyway? He wasn’t like the others; he wasn’t innately good like Carlisle, controlled and practiced like Edward and Emmett. Unlike his family, his longing for blood hadn’t decreased since he’d joined them; in fact it had only gotten worse. Carlisle often claimed that it became less difficult with time, but how would it become less difficult when Jasper was constantly longing for what he couldn’t have? Did the others have this longing? No doubt they’d argue that they did, but if they really did…why did none of them struggle as he struggled?

Jasper slumped against the side of an old willow tree that stood a few feet from the stream, shut his eyes, and thought about the events of the past few days. He’d refused to go inside that night when Alice had come out to fetch him. He knew the damage had been done. He’d bitten her and there was no way Edward would be able to act fast enough to reverse what he’d done. By the time he’d gotten himself under control outside he could sense the anguish and unbearable pain radiating from Bella via his ability. A part of him had wanted to go into the woods, to get as far away from her burning torment as possible, but the other part of him knew he didn’t deserve that much mercy. So he’d stayed, outside for those three days, waiting for the change to be complete, experiencing her agony with her…well, as much as he could.

When her change was complete he’d headed for the woods, knowing it wouldn’t be long before everyone came looking for him, trying to coax him back inside. He wasn’t going in there. He was a monster, no better than an animal, and animals didn’t deserve to be inside houses. Besides, how could he face his brother? Knowing what he’d think…that Jasper had stolen the soul of his beloved. How did one even attempt to apologize for something like that?

Jasper inhaled a useless, ragged breath. No, he wouldn’t face Edward…he wouldn’t put his brother through the task of having to pretend that everything was fine. He would leave, he would run away from here, go some place where the others wouldn’t find him. Except Alice…she would come looking for him, but unlike all the other times when he’d managed to screw up irreparably, he wouldn’t allow her to con him back home. He pushed off the ground, knowing she’d be out in the woods soon, looking for him, trying to stop him. He’d have to hurry if he wanted to avoid her. For one look in those topaz eyes and he knew his resolve would waver.

He didn’t want to hurt Alice…he loved her more than he’d ever loved anyone in his entire life, but he couldn’t continue struggling to live this way…the way she wanted him to…and he couldn’t ask her to leave, to come with him and return to the way things were before. No, he wouldn’t make her a monster with him, he’d leave everything behind him including her, a soldier knew when to throw in the towel and surrender…and he was giving up.

[alice cullen]

alice mary cullen ,
-------i'm not calling for a second chance
---------i'm screaming at the top of my voice

For months something had been nagging Alice, constantly tapping at the back of her mind; however she had chosen ignored it. So much more had been happening around her, from looking after Bella, helping Charlie and generally enjoying her new link with the human world. Or at least these where the excuses she used to anyone who asked, but really she had put it off because she was scared to look. For all of her life, her human life had been a complete blank, a black spot on her otherwise perfect existence. Now Alice had had some of the truth forced upon her, and could bring herself to face where she from, scared that it was not something she wanted to know.

Night after night she would sit in-front of her laptop, her fingers hovering over the keypad, but never had she been able to type in what she needed, the name of the institution. Months ago Jasper had given it to her, knowing that her mind played on it from time to time; still she never had been able to type it in. Many nights she would sit there, just staring at Google, hoping to have the courage to type in the name, but it never came. Occasionally she could feel a little of it bubbling within her, however whenever she looked up, Jasper would always be hovering somewhere near. He meant well, but Alice knew she would have to do this by herself and in her own time.

Gently the light began to fade in her room, as laid on her front her hands hovering over the keypad of the laptop once more. I can do this, Alice encouraged herself, it cannot be worse than my current situation, unless I was put in because I was really a nut-case. Emmett would just love that. Shaking her head, trying to loose her worries which she knew would never leave her, she did it. Slowly Alice placed in each letter of the Instate and with a deep breath she hit enter.

Shock swept over her and she quickly closed her eyes, as the fear took over. She could not quite believe that after months and months she had done this, she had made a step to looking into her black past. Well she nearly had, or would if she could open her eyes. However every time she tried, Alice could never quite make it, as the same worries and questions kept flooding through her mind. What if I found something horrid, what if I am mad, and what if I really killed somebody? Each fear got more ridiculous than the last, and Alice knew she was being pathetic, yet she could not shake, she need soothing.

Her heart sank at the word, soothing. Alice knew if this was any normal night, Jasper would have been at that door within a flash and would have stayed until she no longer needed him. Though as Alice kept her eyes tight shut, she heard no movement towards where she lay, and her hopes had been dashed. Even if she knew the possibilities, Alice had hoped her fear would bring him to her, yet as ever it had not. She could see his presence in the back her mind, lingering in the back-garden, not moving far from where he had been left after he had attacked Bella. Alice knew he was dealing with things, but for the first time in a long time she wanted him for support, rather than her supporting him.

Frustration took over, frustration that he could act this way towards her, that he could shut her out that way. Alice would never hold what he did against him, and she half-blamed herself for not seeing this and stopping. However he had never given her the chance to explain this, he had not even given her a chance to even say two words to him. Leaving her to deal -with not only what he had done- but her past, his cold shoulder and now Maria, all by herself, and for the first time in her known existence, Alice was losing all the optimism she had.

A low grumble of frustration, ripped through her small chest as her eyes snapped open. Alice was sick of hiding in the dark, it just felt all too familiar and she did not like. She liked the light Jasper brought into her life, the warmth, care and protection his calming presence brought on her. Though she knew she was getting any of it tonight and she would just have to face this all by herself, and she was not going to waste another moment on wishing that he could be there with her.

Blinking one, two, three times as her eyes adjusted to the bright screen, Alice eyes quickly began to scan the results of her search. At the top showed some pictures of the same building, two of it back when it was in working order, and one of it in its current state. Alice tried her hardest to imagine herself there, but she got nothing but darkness. Slowing her eyes scanned the rest of the page; the first link was an information page about the institution and the rest where simply articles written about the closing of the place. There was nothing there that was going to be of any help to her, or at least as far as she could see.

Scrolling to the top again, Alice added in the word ‘disappearances’ to her search and pressed enter again. The page loaded in a second, and just about every link was a news report of the disappearance of two people from the institution. The first; a male employee by the name of Robert Ivan Blackwell. The second; a female patient, by the name of Mary Alice Brandon. All her breath was knocked out of her, as she stared at the two names. Shocked because for the first time she knew her name, her real full name and two because what James had said was true. Part had never believed what he had said, but now as she stared at the laptop, there was no doubt that everything he had said about her was true. Here right in-front of her was the truth about her past, one click and she would know part of her story.

Sucking in a breath, Alice clicked on the first link. The page took five agonizing seconds to load and when it did, Alice knew if she was human she would have cried. There right at the top of the page, was her face staring right back at her. Her face was human and soft and the picture had to have been taken before she was admitted, as long inky brown hair fell over her shoulders. Subconsciously her hand reached up for her hair, but only short strands met it, as the long flowing strands had been cut away when she was admitted.

For hours it seemed her golden eyes bore into the image of her as a human, not quite being able to believe what she was seeing. All these years she had been blind to this and now it was staring her right in her face. Alice had no idea how she was going to deal with this, and the last thing she needed was another vision bringing her bad new. Yet like always her gift had a talent of showing her the worst things, at the worst possible times.

As her vision was returned to her, Alice jumped to her feet with in a second. “Jasper Hale, you are going to be the death of me” she almost growled, as she sped out of her room and into the back garden. However he was nowhere to been seen and sinking feeling hit like a kick to the gut. He was gone.

Sucking in a deep breath, she caught wind of his scent and followed it without a second thought. He was not going to leave, not now, not ever. If he did, she would never forgive him. He could give her the cold shoulder all he wanted, but if he left, if he ran out on them, then no amount of emotion twisting would change her mind. Leaving would ruin the man she loved and nothing could ever change her memory and the fact that he left would always haunt her.

Finding him in seconds, she stood a good ten feet away from him, her hands sternly placed on her hips. Her eyes bore into him, and she was sure all the emotions floating around her where enough to knock him out cold. But she did not care, she had had enough of all of this, of his attitude and it was about time he came back to her. “You are a, trying really hard to get on my last nerve, or b, going to extremely drastic actions to loose your legs!”

ooc. sorry it kinda came to a quick ending, but if I had to stopped myself I would have written a novel >.<! but anyway I really enjoyed writing that, and there is so going to be some of her looking into her past.

[sharli]

I START THE DAY, THE WAR BEGINS
ENDLESS REMINDING OF MY SINS

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Jasper was walking along the side of the highway, looking to lift a ride when he felt her presence behind him. Or rather, he nearly got knocked over by the wave of emotions that crashed into him. He could identify each one individually: anger, bitterness, sadness…and that was just to name a few. Each emotion was distinctive, a unique color, tugging at a different area of his bleeding heart, playing on his sympathies and before he knew it, he’d stopped dead in his tracks.

Sometimes he wished there was a way to shut his ability off, it would have made life a whole lot easier if he could just silence the permanent conscience that fought against him, pick and choose what he allowed himself to feel. Unfortunately vampire abilities didn’t work that way and regardless of whether he wanted to deal with it or not, he was assaulted by the unhindered swell of emotions that was Alice.

His throat tightened and he steeled his eyes stubbornly, but try as he might, he couldn’t force his feet to take one more step. He knew this would happen if he didn’t manage to put enough distance between him and her before she realized what he was doing. All hopes were dashed, he was stuck. He heard her musical voice behind him and he let out a sigh, still not looking at her.

He didn’t want to see her face, see the feelings that would crease her brow, pinch her lips, and narrow her eyes. If he didn’t see her he had a better chance of sticking to his resolve, as slight as the chance was. His voice was thick when he spoke, “The world doesn’t always revolve around you, Alice.” He managed, keeping his voice steady. Of course she would turn this around and make it about her and not about Bella and Edward.

He could feel her topaz eyes on his back just as surely as he could feel her emotions. She was in what Edward had dubbed ‘angry-pixie-mode’ and that was a dangerous place for her to be. However, unlike his brother’s who would cower whenever she got this way, it only served to annoy Jasper.

He hated when she acted like that…it was very reminiscent of a small child, throwing a temper tantrum to get its way and Jasper had no patience for that. He and his wife rarely ever fought, but a sure fire way to start WWIII was Alice putting on her little show. His eyebrow rose, but he didn’t turn, “Don’t try to stop me, Alice.” He replied, “I’ve made up my mind.” Of course she already knew that, she wouldn’t have had a vision had his decision not been solidified.

His hands balled into fists at his sides, knowing she would do everything in her power to keep him here. She’d assure him that he’d made progress, that he was doing well, that eventually he’d have just as much control as the others…and Jasper had always believed her because unlike the rest of his family she could see his future.

However, he had to wonder much of the truth she’d really been telling him and how much of it was lies simply so he wouldn’t despair. Alice wasn’t typically a liar, in fact she rarely ever lied, but Jasper knew if it meant making him feel better a white lie would be perfectly acceptable in her eyes. He chewed on his bottom lip, realizing the truth of that now. Maybe she’d always known he’d never be able to overcome his thirst, but she’d loved him too much to tell him. “I can’t stay here anymore.” He added, “I’m not like you…like any of you…and I never will be.”

[alice cullen]

[/center]
alice mary cullen ,
-------i'm not calling for a second chance
---------i'm screaming at the top of my voice[/ul]Her bright golden eyes burned into his back with sever passion. All the emotions she could control flowed through them, heightening the intensity of her glare. Jasper had quite simple hit her last nerve and at the worse possible time. At any of other time she may have been able to deal with this in a proper manner, even thought about going back the house to get back up. But with everything that had happened to her that night, all the fear, shock and revelations, the last thing she needed was him to walk out on her. It felt like another cold slap in the face.

Standing completely frozen, all Alice wanted to do was kick and scream and realise of the pent up emotions she was feeling. However she refrained, even if the idea seemed pleasant to her, Alice knew what Jasper would think. He would see it as her throwing a tantrum and the thought made her almost sick. Sick because he was the one leaving, and he just expected her to be okay with this. Expected her sit back and wave him off and be clam about it all. No that is not in the slightest how she wanted to react, Alice wanted to scream ‘YOU ARE KIDDING YOURSELF” and throw the biggest thing she could at him. Yet she did, could not and would not give him that pleasure, if he was going to be aphetic about this, then so was she.

Lost in thoughts he words rolled over and while part of her heard them, they all meant very little to her. Alice could see his plans and while that was his plans, she was not going to listen to his excuses. The why meant nothing anymore; her whole existence had lost reason as soon as she had seen him leave. Right now in that moment she had nothing left to loose, Alice had already lost him and his plans where so concert that nothing she could think of where going to change them. No matter how much her hatred screamed, her let downed whined, or her heart broke. He was walking out on her, on them, on everything they had build together.

“Coward” she growled, before her mind had even thought it through, it just spilled out pushed by all her emotions. Yet it summed up her feelings towards him perfectly, and Alice did not regret the word, she praised it. This Jasper was a coward and not the fighter he often claimed he to be. Here he was at the slightest sign of trouble and he was going to run, he was going to take the easy way, the cowards way. He did not care about how she would feel, or what his family would think, as long as he was not about to see it, he would be fine. Jasper was being a coward, there was no better word for it and if he thought he was being noble, then he was deluded.

Though however much Alice knew she was going to hate letting him go, she could not lie with what she saw. His plans where concrete and nothing she could do, would change them, not to mention she was out of energy to even try. Yet Alice could let him go without saying goodbye properly, it would be one of those things she would always regret. Even if he wanted to ignore everything they where, she could not, she loved him and while it was not the love she often displayed, it was always there, glowing within her, like an everlasting candle.

Flashing to his side in a second, her arms rapped around the lower part of his waste, and pressed her head into his chest. This was the closet she had been to him since the night of Bella’s change, and it felt nice. His scent invaded her nose and Alice welcomed it without complaint enjoying the last few moments with him. The scent was intoxicating and whiles her emotions where still all over the place; she felt them softening a little and her lips becoming a little loose. Everything she had kept pent up, seemed to be softening as she held herself close to him.

“You know I am not going to let go” she stated, almost teased, lifting her head to look up at his chin. “Though I think Maria will enjoy ripping me limb from limb, if she was ripping me from you.” Her words came out once more, before she could even stop them. Something about the moment, had soften her lips and the one thing she had wanted to keep slipped out, without even a second thought.[/blockquote]

[sharli]

I START THE DAY, THE WAR BEGINS
ENDLESS REMINDING OF MY SINS

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He continued to stand there motionless, his eyes on the road in front of him, his gaze occasionally following a car as it whizzed by, but he didn’t moved. It was as though her glare held him transfixed. He could feel her eyes on him, boring holes into his back as she waited for him to turn toward her. He attempted to take a step, but his feet were heavy-laden, practically shackled in place. Why did he have to be so weak when it came to her, why was it always so hard to do what he needed to do whenever she was against it? She was like some sort of witch or siren that had cast a spell on him. From the moment he’d first laid eyes on her she’d had that effect and thus far Jasper had found no way to break it. Or maybe he just didn’t want to break it.

He realized through her emotions that she was fighting her own instincts. She wanted to throw a fit, to let him know just how angry she really was, but she held it in, refusing to release it for fear of the reaction in him. That was a wise decision as there was very few things that irritated Jasper more than someone who could not have a rational, civilized conversation without throwing their weight around. He put his hands into the pockets of his jeans, listening to the sound of her unnecessary, but obviously labored breathing. She was attempting to calm herself, but to no avail. She was furious.

The silence drug on and Jasper vaguely wondered if she was ever going to speak. It seemed like an eternity since she’d called his name from behind, since he’d felt those emotions behind him. It was times like this that he wished he was Edward; as annoying as his adopted brother’s power was, it came in handy during such situations. Being able to sense ones emotions was like a tease, you knew something was wrong, but the specifics of it were all blurry. Jasper let out another sigh, getting frustrated because he knew it wouldn’t be long before he was turning around to face her, to meet those topaz eyes face to face.

And then she said the one thing that made him turn. It was a swift kick to his pride, one that was made all the worse because he sensed that she meant it, that she didn’t regret letting the acid drip from her lips. She meant to hurt him with that word the same way he was hurting her by walking away. One word that carried a weight so heavy it would have knocked the wind from his lungs had he actually needed to breathe. Coward. He turned toward her, his eyebrows raised, his lips pursed in annoyance. He wouldn’t let her see the hurt behind his eyes though, he absolutely refused.

“What makes me a coward?” He demanded of her, taking a few steps in her direction, his drastic height difference becoming more pronounced the closer he got to her, “Because I can admit when I’m fighting a losing battle? That makes me a coward?” He crossed his arms over his chest, feeling his own hurt and anger swirling together like a whirlpool, “Maybe you were too wrapped up in your own little world to realize, but I bit Bella, Alice. She’s one of us now, I took everything from her.” He could hear the hint of a growl in his own voice, “I’m sick and tired of pretending to be something I’m not. I’m a killer Alice, we all are…and I can’t continue to fight it like the rest of you. I haven’t the strength or the will—“ But before he could finish she was closing the gap between them, her arms wrapping around his middle because it was as high as she could reach.

Jasper froze, his own arms remaining limp at his sides. He hated when she did this…absolutely hated it. She could pull him down into the fiery pits of his anger and yet summon him right back up to complete bliss with little more than a hug. She was his weakness, his kryptonite and he cursed himself for being so susceptible to it.

He said nothing, merely remained still until his arms reacted against his will, rising up to wrap around her, pinning her against his chest. He huffed in annoyance, hardly hearing her words until a familiar name left her lips. Jasper became still again, his icy heart freezing over all the more at the mention of that name. He stepped back, looking down into her topaz eyes, his brows furrowed in wonder, “What’re you talking about?” He asked, “What about Maria?”

[alice cullen]

alice mary cullen ,
-------i'm not calling for a second chance
---------i'm screaming at the top of my voice

Slowly and surely her breathing returned to normal, with every intake of Jasper’s scent she was slowly clamed. True all her fears, shocks and resentment where all still there, but like a warm blanket Jaspers smothered them. In his chest Alice could forget he was leaving, forget her resent for hating him and just enjoy being close to him, enjoying the cold body, he was determined to take away from her.

Sighing heavily into his chest, Alice could not imagine letting go, in fact she knew she would not. If there was ever one thing Alice was sure of in her life, it was that it was this body she was meant to hold and that it was this soul that bonded so perfectly with her, that she was meant to stay with it. Though what she was meant to do, when the other person was determined to leave, Alice did not know. All she knew was that she was not going to let that happen, even if that meant leaving with him, she would do it. Of course it was not the preferred option for her, but there was nothing if there was nothing she could do to prevent it, Alice knew she was not going to loose the one thing that made her truly happy. Her family would understand that, maybe not right away, but in time they would learn to forgive her for leaving.

Extending her fingers, Alice reached to connect her hands together, which only brought her closer to Jasper. She could not tell what he was thinking, he kept as stony as ever, yet Alice was enjoying herself. The realization that she was not going to be parted from him brought her joy and she almost forgot the face that had haunted her since she had seen it. It was now just a distant ghost, fading into the darkness that had covered it. Her present was all that mattered to her, and along with her future, they all pointed in Jasper’s direction. No matter what he did, or who she would have to leave behind, he was her everything and Alice could not and would not loose him.

“What other word would you have for it” Alice sated, replying to his earlier comment. “Things get a little rough, and you run, you take the easy way out, you take the coward’s way out. I know this is hard, but it is hard for everyone, that does not mean we all run away. Bella needs us all, even you, if you would open up and help” Alice melodic voice sung. Her words had lost all meaning to her; normally they would have a certain determination behind them. But as she stood clinging to Jasper, Alice knew that the path he had chosen was set in stone and Alice could not see any weakness to bring him back round. So her words seemed all but pointless to all her, all that mattered to her now, was making sure he would not separate himself from her.

Alice took a small victory as his arms rapped around her small waist, it felt like she had finally taken a brick away from his wall. Her head danced with happy emotions and she pulled herself closer into her embrace. It was something Alice always took for granted, when it was there. Though when it was taken away from her, like it was this week, when it came back to her, it was blissful. A kind of bliss she never wanted to end and if Alice had her way, she would not let it.

However all too abruptly, Jasper pushed her back. Her arms where still open, planning on fighting and going back in, but with one look at his puzzled face, she stopped herself. He had heard her words and all too suddenly the realization of what she had revealed sunk in. Crap, Alice screamed mentally, while she kept her face void of any emotions as she tried to buy herself sometime. She had no idea how to phrase this and all the plans that swam through her head, none of them jumped out and screamed that that was the way to do. Alice knew she would have to do it blind and hope for the best. Hope, no, pray for a miracle, that he would not blame this other spin of bad luck on himself.

“Well” she began, dragging out the word hoping that something would jump out at her, but it did not. “After James’s death, Victoria headed south interested in the wars down there and well she found a teacher in Maria.” Alice paused just for a moment, to allow her eyes to flash up to his face hoping to see some reaction to her words, but nothing about his expressions had changed and she quickly continued. “It would have been okay, but when Victoria mentioned her target, your name came up and it sparked Maria’s interest. That would have once more been okay, but Victoria mentioned that you had found, well you had…well found me. Maria did not take that well and she is on her way here, she wants you back and … me dead” Alice voice faded at the end, as she knew nothing good could come of this knowledge she was giving him. Like Edward, Jasper was slightly prone to overreaction when she was placed in danger.

[sharli]

I START THE DAY, THE WAR BEGINS
ENDLESS REMINDING OF MY SINS

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Jasper could sense her slowly calming in his arms, her breaths lengthening, her body becoming still. He was glad for that; the rush of emotions radiating off of her had been nearly overwhelming. He hadn’t been able to resist giving her a low dose of his gift just to stop the bombardment. He took a deep breath of his own, letting it out slowly as he continued to just hold her. His chin rested on the top of her head as he enjoyed the peace…even if it was only temporary. The moment he stepped away from her all those feelings would come rushing back…so for the moment at least it was better to have her so close, even if it would make this all the more difficult. He hated when she was sad or upset with him at all. At times he felt like some sort of big stupid puppy who had gotten in trouble and was begging its master’s forgiveness.

Her hold on him didn’t loosen as the seconds passed by and Jasper had a feeling that the parting between them wouldn’t be easy. Alice wasn’t one to surrender gracefully when she was fighting for what was hers, and Jasper belonged to her, even if he left that fact would stand. The bond between them was unseverable even if distance separated them. As funny as it sounded, Alice was like the limb a soldier lost during battle…gone, but still there because the brain couldn’t convince itself that it was gone. The nostalgia would never go away. He inhaled the scent of her hair, closing his eyes for a moment as he tried to convince himself that he needed to go, that he had to let her go.

He felt Alice’s embrace tighten all the more and he knew he had to do something. As painful as this was for her…for both of them, he couldn’t stay here anymore. He was sick and tired of being the weakest link. Maybe that was a prideful way of viewing things, he knew his family would see it that way…but Jasper had never been weak in his entire existence. He’d always been the strong one, the formidable one, at least when he’d been with Maria’s army…when he’d been human before that. After he’d left he’d wandered around aimlessly for a while, feeling purposeless and miserable. He’d attempted to end his pathetic life more than once, more than twice…his ‘gift’ was the main problem. If he didn’t have that hindrance he could have continued on life the way a vampire was intended to.

But even as he thought it he knew he wouldn’t have traded his ability even if he had the opportunity…because the fact of the matter was that if he hadn’t been cursed with such a wretched power, if he hadn’t felt all the guilt from killing, if he hadn’t left Maria…he never would have come to Alice. She was the sunshine in his life, the one thing that made all of this worth it. So why was he leaving then? He cursed mentally. He was leaving because he couldn’t handle this anymore. He couldn’t fight his nature the way the rest of them could. He was sick and tired of failure. He was sick and tired of being the reason they were forced to move time after time. Oh yes, Bella hadn’t been the first person he’d accidentally bitten, she’d just been the only one unlucky enough to survive.

Her words broke through the silence then and Jasper stiffened. “What other word would you have for it? Things get a little rough, and you run, you take the easy way out, you take the coward’s way out. I know this is hard, but it is hard for everyone, that does not mean we all run away. Bella needs us all, even you, if you would open up and help.” Oh how her words enraged him, but remembering that they were coming from Alice…the love of his life, the only person whose opinion genuinely mattered, he resisted the urge to push her away and recoil. Instead he forced himself to answer slowly, steadily…though he was sure the anger was still evident in his voice. That was the problem with his ability…he could calm everyone else, but not himself. He had been saddled with that classic Taurean temper and once lost it was hard to recover.

“I am *not* taking the ‘easy way out’.” He returned, “And you know I am sick and tired of everyone saying that it’s hard for everyone…” He trailed for a moment, the storm inside him worsening, “I mean Carlisle…all he ever says is ‘it gets easier with time, it gets easier with time’…you know what how the f*ck would he know?” Jasper didn’t usually curse, but he was livid, “He’s never tasted human blood and yet he preaches like he knows what I’m going through. He doesn’t…and the bottom line is none of you really do.” He licked took another deep breath, “I’m the oldest one here besides Carlisle, Alice…that’s a 145 year habit I’m trying to break…and I can’t do it. I’ve been trying for what 50 years now? It’s not going to happen.”

All this time he had managed to control his temper enough to continuing holding her…but the mention of Maria’s name knocked the wind from him and he was pulling backwards before he knew it. He searched her face, but she put on a blank mask, fighting to not reveal anything before she had carefully chosen her words. Once again Jasper wished he was Edward. He met her eyes questioningly, waiting but fighting with the impatience inside him. What on earth would cause her to bring up that woman. Her voice finally resonated through the air and Jasper listened, wanting an explanation. He kept his own mask on as she talked; not wanting her to draw an conclusions from his reaction, though inside he was horrified. Victoria and Maria were in cahoots together…Maria trained her…this was bad, very, very bad. Already a plan was forming in Jasper’s mind. Maria wanted Alice dead…because she was jealous and couldn’t bear the thought of Jasper belonging to anyone but her. He would just have to give Maria what she wanted, that was the only way to stop this before it got ugly.

He took a deep breath when she finished, knowing that if she became privy to his plan she’d freak out on him. So instead he decided to play it smooth, “Where is she?” He asked, “How long do we have?” He made it a point to make his voice as concerned as possible. He needed to know where Maria was so that he could intercept her. He just hoped he could get the information out of her before she realized he’d already made up his mind. He was going, he was stopping this, and there was nothing she could say or do that would change his mind. No one threatened Alice.

[alice cullen]

alice mary cullen ,
-------i'm not calling for a second chance
---------i'm screaming at the top of my voice

Bright golden eyes, shone with fear as she finished her words. Alice tried with all her might to control them, to soften them as she knew Jasper would read them in the wrong way, but she could not. The secret had slipped out and the fear was a result of what he would do. Maria was his own personal nightmare, all the stories that he had told her about the little Mexican dictator, where neither pleasant nor enjoyable to listen to. Though to have lived through them Alice could only imagine the fear her name could educe on to Jasper. However she knew that if Maria was coming for him, that he might have been able to deal with, but the fact she was coming for her, Alice knew he would over-react. He was like Edward, when she was in danger and he would always pick the most stupid of paths in his attempt to keep her safe.

Quickly Alice jumped back into his embrace, rapping her arms around his midriff as he took hold of hers. Still unable to control her eyes, Alice hid them into his chest. She knew that was more than pointless to do that, as he could feel her emotions, her only hope that he would read them in the light she was feeling, not in the fear of the on coming threat. All in all, that was the last of her worries. Alice knew she could handle Maria, in-fact to Alice as fight with her would be more than easy. Not only was Maria still in the dark about her power, but Alice knew that she was weak. Very little had she ever heard stories of Maria fighting with her Army, no she had sent others like Jasper, Peter or Charlotte into to her dirty work. However she was still a threat in Jasper’s eyes

Within seconds her grip tightened, as his head rested on-top of hers, yet he still said nothing. The wait was killing her, and even if it had only been a few seconds since the truth had spilled out, the not knowing was eating her alive. Yet while the unrest licked her insides, Alice tried to keep her emotions positive. It was not the easiest of tasks, as the unease was eating her alive, but never the less she tried her hardest. Something about her positive emotions always seemed to level him out and keep him rational, and that was what she needed. She needed him to keep a rational mind, keep him here and keep him safe. The worst thing they needed was to be separated at the moment, any weakness shown between them and it would be all too easy for Maria.

“Jasper” Alice breathed his name, gently. In her mind she wanted to reply to this honestly, but she knew the fight would just throw him over the edge. Yet she could not lie about her feelings about him leaving, it would just be pointless. “Don’t have get aggressive with me, because I am touching a sore spot, I am only being honest with you, would you rather I lied?” Alice questioned, not looking up and just speaking into his chest. This act was getting tiresome and with every response she was getting more and more frustrated with his determination to leave her, to leave their family. “So you are going to just give up? What a great way too prove, you are not being a coward. Jasper at some point you and Edward will realise that she was always going to became one of us. If it was not you it would have been me, Carlisle or Edward, there was no other future for her. Nobody will hold it against you and nobody wants us to leave, think of how much it would hurt Esme to loose us…you are not the only person involved in this Jasper”

Sighing once more into his chest, she finally got a reaction, and it was everything Alice had feared. Jasper was no longer just leaving because he could not bear to be near the house, he was leaving to be with her. He had misread her words and believed that if he offered himself up to Maria, that she would leave Alice alone. How wrong he was. Nothing was going to stop Maria; she wanted Alice dead, because in Maria’s eyes Alice had stolen Jasper away from her and if she got Jasper back, it would just be the icing on the cake. And that was something Alice was not going to allowed, it was his worse nightmare to see Alice dead and it was Alice’s worse nightmare to see him back beside Maria, with his eyes glowing red.

Opening her eyes again, the future she had seen began to fade. Though that did not mean that he was not going to do, he was just hiding it from her and that just made the image of it all that much more sickening. Not only was he leaving, but he was now planning on lying to her, Alice had just about had it enough of all of this. A part of her, was tempted too scream and kick again, and tell him to leave. Though Alice knew she would regret that and never ever wanted to be separated from him, the bond with him was far too strong for her to allow that. Not to mention she could see the misery both of them would feel, if they where separated themselves. It was most certainly a future she could not and would not deal with, even if she had to get Emmett to hold Jasper back until he came to his senses, she would do it.

Loosening his grip with her hands, Alice span out his grip under his arm as if it was a well crafted dance more. Not wasting a second she swayed up onto the tips of her toes she began to run, through the tree’s carving herself a curricular path around Jasper. The running calmed her and cleared her mind, as she had seen, though that was not why she ran. In her mind she crafted a plan, her plan to make him stay. It would be her last attempt to make him stay and she would play to his protective side. Play to side that overwhelmed every other one of his senses and that was the sense to keep her safe. She would make him see that the only way to keep her safe was to stay with her, here in Forks with the rest of their family.

“You” her voice sang clear and true, her pace not faulting. “Are” her tone became stronger and the world came out more as a snarl. “Leaving” this word out rather like a ‘whee’ of excitement as she leaped out of the blur she had created around him and landed neatly on his back. Without pause she established a hold on his back, rapping her arms around his neck in and iron tight clasp, and locking her legs around his waist for support and grip. “Or at least you are not without me, if you want to go find Maria then lets do it, start walking and I shall tell you where to go. It does not matter if you go back to her, Jasper she wants me dead, and nothing is going to change that. We have to stick together more than ever, it is the only way that we shall both make this through alive.”

[sharli]

I START THE DAY, THE WAR BEGINS
ENDLESS REMINDING OF MY SINS

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“Jasper, you don’t have get aggressive with me because I am touching a sore spot. I am only being honest with you, would you rather I lied?” Her question rang out into the air like music and Jasper frowned at her. Why difference did it make? She lied to him all the time. Did she think that just because he couldn’t read her mind like Edward could that he somehow missed the deception in her emotions? He wasn’t nearly as stupid as she thought he was. All her little reassurances while at school, the way she was always so quick to tell him that she’d seen the future and there was no way he’d ever harm someone. All lies because he knew himself. He knew that if he didn’t have her and Edward there to constantly nag him someone else could have forced them away from Forks long before he’d slipped up and attacked Bella.

He was a liability; that was all there was to it. Now more than ever before. Sure he’d only taste a little bit of Bella’s blood when his teeth pierced her skin, but that was enough to remind him what human blood tasted like…remind him how much better it tasted than the animal blood he’d reduced himself to. He wanted more and he was almost willing to ignore the guilt his power would most likely induce if it meant satiating it. Like it or not he had completely backslid and the longer he remained the more danger he was. Going back to school was absolutely out of the question. There was no way he could endure it now. He’d been teetering before, but now…he didn’t even want to think about the carnage that would ensue if he got even the least bit rundown.

When he spoke to her his tone was sharp, “Explain to me how you lying to me would be any different than normal?” He practically spat at her, “You knew how dangerous I was. You’ve known all along and your optimism is what put us in this situation.” He was in no way excusing his behavior or putting the blame off on Alice, but the fact of the matter was she and Edward both knew how dangerous he was and they still continued to let him go through the motions, knowing he could snap at any moment. But worse than that, they had made him believe that maybe the situation wasn’t as bad as he’d accessed; that maybe he wasn’t struggling as much as he’d thought he was.

Her voice broke his thought then, “So you are going to just give up? What a great way too prove you are not being a coward. Jasper, at some point you and Edward will realize that she was always going to become one of us. If it was not you it would have been me, Carlisle, or Edward; there was no other future for her. Nobody will hold it against you and nobody wants us to leave, think of how much it would hurt Esme to loose us…you are not the only person involved in this Jasper.” Jasper scoffed, “Who said anything about ‘us’ leaving?” He asked, “I was leaving…alone.” He annunciated the last word, “Just because I’m too weak for this doesn’t mean I am dragging you down with me. If there’s one thing I’ve learned in this life it is that people will drag you down before you’ll pull them up.” He paused, knowing she’d fight this, “I’m not like the rest of you…and if you think I’ll just be able to go back to school, pick up where I left off, and start all over again…” He trailed, letting her finish that thought for herself.

All of it went in one ear and out the other however, because in that moment she practically leapt into his arms again, wrapping her around him like a vice, refusing to let go as her face pressed against his chest. Jasper huffed again in frustration. She was the most hard-headed, ridiculously optimistic, stubborn person he had ever met…and it didn’t help that those were most likely the same words she would have used to describe him. He was a Taurus…the most stubborn of all the zodiac signs and if he hadn’t changed in 164 years he wouldn’t be changing anytime soon. She continued to squeeze him, but Jasper had had enough. He grabbed her by her upper arms, forcefully dislodging her from him. That didn’t help much, merely elicited the immature reaction from her. A second later she was running around him at a dizzying speed, refusing to slow. Jasper crossed his arms over her chest as she made her little declaration, knowing full well that this was going to be a brutal battle.


“You. Are. Not. Leaving!” She said, on the last word hurling herself toward him, latching onto his back like some kind of demented koala, “Or at least you are not without me, if you want to go find Maria then lets do it, start walking and I shall tell you where to go. It does not matter if you go back to her, Jasper she wants me dead, and nothing is going to change that. We have to stick together more than ever, it is the only way that we shall both make this through alive.” Jasper was getting impatient, his temper slowly but surely getting away from him. His voice was low as he continued to stand firmly in place. He said two words, his voice as cold as ice, “Get. Off.”

[alice cullen]

[/center]
alice mary cullen ,
-------i'm not calling for a second chance
---------i'm screaming at the top of my voice[/ul]While Alice hold was strong, her touch was soft, she was only using strength to keep herself there and did not intend in the slightest to hurt him. That was the last thing Alice wanted, even if her words where like small daggers, with her touch she had not intention to causing him pain. Gently she moved her weight slightly, as she nuzzled the side of her face, into the Jasper’s neck. Out of the corner of her eyes she could see part of his face, allowing her to judge what he was thinking. While in her head she could guess what at expression his face wore, Alice wanted to see what it was at every slight change in their futures, or with every word she uttered. Having lived with him for over fifty years she had found a new appreciation for peoples emotions and facial expressions. If you became wise enough to a persons face, it was just like being able to read their minds, and after all the years Alice had been with Jasper his face was easy to read as a book.

“No” Alice voice rang through the quite forest, like a church bell. “No” her voice sounded softer this time, as she pressed her lips to his neck, repeating it one, two, three times as she reached his ear. “No” Alice whispered this time, into his ear, before she craned her neck around to place her lips to his check. These again actions at any other time, would have been cute, almost romantic, though Alice knew far to well that Jasper was not going to take to kindly to her teasing him, and she was not wrong. She felt his cold body stiffen under her thighs, that rapped around his waste, and she could do was giggle. A strange reaction, but his stubbornness was being to become an amusing trait to her and there was no other reaction she could fathom, but laughter.

Controlling her small fit of the giggles, Alice sifted her weight once more. Loosening her grip of his neck, while she watched his future carefully to watch for any attempts to shake her off, Alice began to run her fingers through his blonde hair. Her fingers were gentle and loving as she sifted the little strands about taking in the smell they released through her flared nostrils. It was the perfect smell to her and while she could not relate it to anything else -as nothing else was in its league- she knew she could not live without it. It was like her drug, and while she loved many other things about Jasper, the emotions his scent brought about in her was something she could never live without.

“Why do you have to be so morbid?” Alice questioned, twisting one of his honey blonde strands around her fingers. “You are no more dangerous than the rest of us and you always knew this was going to be harder for you than any of us. Carlisle, Edward, Esme, Rosalie and Emmett have been on this diet their whole life, they have not lived more two thirds of their life on human blood, and without my power I would have found it just as hard as you are now. That does not mean you give up, and give up on your family and wife. I can see you will be just as in control as us if you gave it the time to get to that point. I have faith in you” Alice voice sang, her hands travelling down from the top of his head, neck and snaking their way back around his neck.

“Now about this matter of you leaving me” Alice jibbed, looking at him through the corner of her eye. While moments ago Alice had been willing to just let him walk away, she could tell by his lack of movement or attempts to get away from her, screamed to her that he was finding it not as easy as he had thought to leave her. Alice took much pleasure in that fact and slowly her determination not to be parted from him began to grown. “It is not going to happen. You can go wherever you want and I will follow you. Jasper you may have forgotten something while you brooded in the back garden, but I love you. I always have and always will and I don’t want to be parted from you, never have and nothing is going to change that.” As her words rang out, her clasp on his neck softened and hugged him awkwardly from behind.

“So Jasper what is it to be” Alice began, sifting to see his face once more. “Are we going to find Maria and let her try and destroy me? Or are we going to go back home and get back to our lives. You may not believe it Jasper, but they need you more Edward cares to realise. Out of all of us you have the most experience with newborns and we have been struggling all week without your help. Bella needs you and if you want to do the right thing by everyone, then you need to march right back home and help Bella” she said, her voice soft, while her words where commanding. Jasper was still in a delicate frame of mind, and shouting at him would only make it worse. Alice needed to keep her cool and just hope beyond hope, that he comes back to his sense and comes back to her.

status , done, done, done.
notes , I <3 alice and jasper, even when they are like this, they make me smile.

[/blockquote]

[sharli]

I START THE DAY, THE WAR BEGINS
ENDLESS REMINDING OF MY SINS

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Jasper frowned when he felt her nuzzle against his neck. There was no denying that the action felt nice, that her smooth face felt wonderful against his haggard, scarred skin, but he wasn’t budging…not this time. Or at least that was his initial resolve. She was stubborn, but so was he. He could out last her if need be, he had the perseverance of a soldier behind him, but despite his anger he felt himself softening toward her slightly. Hurting Alice had never been a part of the deal, though he’d known in his heart of hearts that it was inevitable. He couldn’t leave his wife and not expect to hurt her…he’d just been hoping that he’d be long gone before she caught on to what he was doing. Unfortunately no dice.

The melodic sound of her voice was just as inflexible as his had been, of course mingled with a hint of playfulness that was uniquely Alice, “No, no, no.” Was her reply and Jasper knew a change in tactics was in order. He had to find another way to do this, maybe make her angry so she’d storm off like an angry pixie and leave him to the fate he’d already chosen for himself. Maria wouldn’t kill him, he was fairly certain of that. Of course he knew that before he’d left with Peter and Charlotte that that had been her plan, but her motivations weren’t due to the change in him because of his power. No…it was based out of pure selfishness. If she couldn’t have him, no one would.

Maria hated to lose, and while he knew Alice had convinced herself that she wouldn’t stop until she’d killed her, Jasper knew Maria. Really knew her. Years and years of working along side her had taught him many things about how she thought. If Jasper turned himself in and re-pledged his allegiance to her, Alice alive and well, suffering with the knowledge that her husband had rejoined her would be more than enough for Maria. A vampire losing a mate was something that would grieve them for all eternity and Maria would rather Alice’s suffering be permanent than compassionately cut short with death. Jasper could live with Alice hating him, he could deal with her feeling betrayed, but he couldn’t deal with the thought of her dead…that was one thing that he couldn’t bear.

The sound of Alice giggling provoked his anger a little further. What exactly was so comical to her? Her little fingers began to toy with his hair and he could hear her breathing him in deeply. “Why do you have to be so morbid?” She asked, “You are no more dangerous than the rest of us and you always knew this was going to be harder for you than any of us. Carlisle, Edward, Esme, Rosalie and Emmett have been on this diet their whole life, they have not lived more two thirds of their life on human blood, and without my power I would have found it just as hard as you are now. That does not mean you give up, and give up on your family and wife. I can see you will be just as in control as us if you gave it the time to get to that point. I have faith in you.”

“What good does that do me, Alice?” Jasper shot back, “Your faith in me has done us no good. Look what I did.” He motioned with his hand toward the house angrily, “Yes, I knew this was going to be harder for me than anyone else, but this is more than I bargained for. I’m tired. I don’t want it anymore.” God must have had a good sense of humor…to give such an ability to a vampire. ‘Oh, it’s your natural instinct to kill, so here’s a power that prevents you from doing just that’. It wasn’t fair and Jasper hated it. He was ready to go back to the way things were before…when he just killed and didn’t have to constantly restrain himself…fighting against his very nature.

She continued on as if she didn’t hear him,“Now about this matter of you leaving me…it is not going to happen. You can go wherever you want and I will follow you. Jasper you may have forgotten something while you brooded in the back garden, but I love you. I always have and always will and I don’t want to be parted from you, never have and nothing is going to change that. So Jasper what is it to be. Are we going to find Maria and let her try and destroy me? Or are we going to go back home and get back to our lives. You may not believe it Jasper, but they need you more Edward cares to realize. Out of all of us you have the most experience with newborns and we have been struggling all week without your help. Bella needs you and if you want to do the right thing by everyone, then you need to march right back home and help Bella.”

Yes, she would follow him because she was the most stubborn, insensible, ridiculous person he had ever met, “You will *not* follow me.” He said sternly, “Damnit Alice, I love you too, but do you love me so much that you’re too stupid to see that I am never going to be like the rest of you? That this is never going to work?” She certainly knew how to word things to play on his sympathies. She knew that claiming that they needed his help would strike a cord in him…especially since it was his fault that they were in their current predicament anyway. But it was because he could recognize her attempt at manipulation that he refused to take the bait. He had to end this…make it a clean break, “I’m sorry…I’m done.” Once again he pushed her off of him, taking a few steps backwards from her. He could see the hurt mixed with anger in her expression before her emotions actually changed, "Goodbye, Alice." He said, his heart screaming in protest...but he paid it no heed. He was good at ignoring his own emotions. War had enabled him to harden himself.