empty and hallow

[edward cullen]

YOU ARE CLOUDING UP MY MIND
WHAT DID I DO WRONG?

Why didn’t he protect her? Why did he block Jasper when he had been the fastest? The statue on the couch sat there staring out of the window. His golden eyes were cold and hard and his bronze hair tousled on his head like a halo. A perfect picture of a perfect statue. Edward Cullen sat there while guilt ate him inside. In gnawed him inside, mercilessly and slowly. Questions of ‘what ifs’ ran through his head. What if he hadn’t tried to intercept, would she have been safe right now? His perfectly carved eyebrows almost met at the center of his face in a frown but he didn’t care. Edward’s gloom seemed to echo through out the house. Ever since the change, all that filled the Cullen house were anxiousness, guilt and hurt. It was his fault that Bella’s soul was now gone, it was his fault that she could no longer go to heaven or another world said to be the most glorious place ever. And it was his fault that she had to go through this change. It was just all his fault. If he had only acted, if only he hadn’t made her open that present and if only he had listened to her. All those promises he made to her saying he would protect her with his life when instead it was him, who brought her to harms way. He was the one who exposed her to his family and him because he was greedy. It was his fault because his love took the best of him. And now look where it placed him. Bella’s screamed echoed in his head like a haunting thrill. His fingernails dug into the arm of the couch but didn’t wince. Edward knew he was going to live with her haunting thrill forever. Reminding him the mistake he made.


Her piercing screams still echoed but Edward didn’t shut it away. He thought he had no right to shut away the reminder of his mistake. And then flashes of her change appeared in his mind again. The way she cringed, writhed and screamed in pain pierced his hallow heart as they played so vividly. His jaw locked as he tried to push away the memories but he couldn’t. They were too strong even for a vampire. It scarred him forever. They did everything to help Bella but it was already too late. The venom had already taken its toll on her. Any vampire would have blamed the other person but instead Edward blamed himself to the limit. He knew they should’ve moved when they could’ve. He knew he shouldn’t have gotten close to her than intended but he couldn’t. And he partly regretted it. Bella made him the happiest man alive even if it was for a little while and he wouldn’t have traded it for the world. But he felt his hunger too in that moment. He thought of doing exactly what Jasper did, to drink her blood and to taste it. A growl ripped from his mouth as he remembered the feeling. That’s what he hated as well. To have wanted to drink her dry, to feel the warmth of her blood course through his veins, his personal brand of heroine. By now, Edward had already crushed the huge arm chair of the couch.


He heard Bella’s ravenous sounds from the garden and pierced him again like a dagger. It was torture to hear it everyday, to know she was getting through this phase because of him. Edward looked to the past and saw Bella’s warm and human face smiling brightly at him. The quiet and peace she had given him, the love she showed him and the little things that made him love her more than ever. Her little quirks that Emmett found funny, the bright memories disappeared like a puff of clouds and were replaced by the Bella now. Unconsciously, Edward crossed the room and stared out of the window. The climate did no more than make him hate himself much more. From the living room, Edward could hear her vicious growls when it would have been laughter that warmed his heart. He could hear her strangled cries when it would have been her calling for him. Edward curled his hand into a fist and then pressed them against the smooth window. But he couldn’t bring himself to go to her room, to calm her, to comfort her; it didn’t matter if she would tear him to shreds. He deserved that fate. Edward would do anything to turn back time and set everything right. What if this Bella now turns into a monster? Not the Bella he loved when human? Edward would still love her anyway; he couldn’t abandon her for something she didn’t do. If only…

[isabella swan]

STOP BREAKING YOUR HEART YOU'RE
MAKING IT HARD ON YOU DON'T DRIVE IN REVERSE
YOU'VE BEEN THROUGH THE WORST

pain. unbelievable pain. that was what had blanketed the last three days for one isabella swan. it had felt like she was being burnt alive, as if the devil himself was taking what he was due, burning every inch of her body. the hours and days had merged together, a never ending stream of pure agony. her screams had tore the very foundations of possibility. bella had always had a high resistance to pain, she tended to fall down a lot so she had had to build one, but this had been like nothing she had ever felt before. she'd wanted to die, had begged for death, yet none of them had been nice enough to give her it. she had a vague recollection of figures around her, people telling her it would be ok and it would be over soon, but mostly she just remembered the pain. she wondered if she would ever forget it. she had slipped into unconsciousness on the third day, as expected, and when she had awoken she'd been different, more different than she could ever have imagined. with bright red eyes and a body that could tear apart even emmett she was the living image of a newborn vampire. she looked just as she had been expected to look. her pale skin had taken that one step further, the blush lost forever, but at least it meant she was durable now. her dark hair frozen forever, but shinier, glossier. yet it was not the outward changes that most shocked her, no it was the feeling inside. the writhing agony of hunger. she'd wanted to feed, she'd wanted to murder, to drink. yet somehow the cullen's had managed to stop her. even after a couple of days to reflect she couldn't imagine how they did it. she had been so blinded she didn't want to think how many of them she must have hurt.

growling viciously as the burning in her throat she prayed to just get up out of the house completely, go out and find some food, but she knew she couldn't. she might have vampire strength, she might have vampire needs, but her brain was still human. or at least she hoped it was. she knew it was wrong to want to kill, she knew she was meant to be sated on the blood of the animals the cullen's brought her, but it really wasn't enough. and the one person that could help her appeared to not want anything to do with her anymore. she had always wanted to be changed, had told him so, so they could be together forever. but now that was a possibility he stayed away. her body writhed again as she fought down the hunger, wondering how she was still standing. she wondered during a moment of lucidity how the cullens had managed to cope all the years they had. why hadn't they been driven crazy by the sheer pain of their throat burning? letting another vicious growl escape as she fought her own body for control. she had hoped that her natural aversion to blood as a human would carry over, but she knew now that was a stupid hope. there had been no chance of that. now she understood, now she understood what jasper went through day after day. no wonder he had snapped at the smell of her, god knows she would have done in her present state. clutching her stone hands over her throat she forced herself to stay in the garden. the walls of her new bedroom were already scratched, half destroyed, by her nails clawing at them. desperate for some sort of release.

bella didn't blame jasper, she had no right to. she was the stupid human had wandered into the lion's den. no. she was the stupid him that had wandered into the lion's den and tried to pet them. yet even as she cursed the pain she knew this was what she wanted, this is what she wanted since that night when james almost ended her life. she hadn't wanted to be the damsel in distress anymore. this is what alice had seen and she had wished for it. now she had it and she wondered whether she would change it if she could. but even as she wondered she knew the answer would be a stern no. she was willing to give up anything to be with edward and if that entailed losing her mind for a while, being hungry for a while, then it was worth it. there was no future for them with her as a human, now they had forever together. if only he would show his face. bella could tell he felt guilty, it was like him to. but this was not his fault. it was her's, partly jaspers', but mostly hers. and no one was to blame truly, because this had been exactly what she wanted. grunting, realizing she was going to have to go to him rather than the other way around, she stood up from the lawn, taking a deep breath to try and settle herself a little bit, get a bit of her equilibrium back. typical bella. she was trying to put edward first again. she knew that stepping outside the confines of the garden was dangerous, because the minute she moved she could leave. she could go. they couldn‘t catch her even if they tried. yet she still stepped out of her protected area and head into the house. she could hear the different members of her new family the moment she did, but it was only one person she was listening out for, and she followed the sense straight across the hall to the living room. not even bothering to knock she gripped the handle and pushed, ignoring the voice in her head telling her to just run and hunt. entering the room she looked over at him, her red eyes blazing. "don't look so sad." she spoke, her voice changed along with the rest of her. it now had a musical quality, like a song rising from the ashes.

ooc -- if this was tagged for someone else i will just delete, couldn't see a tag so thought i'd snag =)

[edward cullen]

YOU ARE CLOUDING UP MY MIND
WHAT DID I DO WRONG?

Edward had stood there for what seemed an eternity for him. His eyes never shifted scenes nor did his head move an inch. They just blindly watched the soft pitter patter of the rain drops onto the huge window. Nothing but silence and gloom dawned upon the place. Edward knew his father went to the hospital but he had no clue to where Esme, Alice and Jasper were. His thoughts turned to Jasper. He was wallowed in guilt as he was. But he found no fault from Jasper, all that was shrouding his head is that he was at fault. If he hadn’t only gone to lengths of bringing her to the house, it wouldn’t have happened. If he’d just only listened to Bella’s warning, he could probably have been with her right now, hearing her little bell laughs, and her heart fluttering like a bird whenever he was near to her. The warm of her skin and the beating of her heart. It was all the melody he was keeping in his head. Her smile. Her laughter. And her uncanny ability to attract danger every time. What will become of her now? What if the Bella he knew and love would be wiped out of the surface of the earth for just one tiny drop of blood? He’d love her still no doubt about that, but he would long for the Bella to love him and hold him like she used to. Edward’s hands fisted it selves again, he wanted to pound onto the glass, he wanted to find a vampire with the power to turn back time… he didn’t want Bella to turn into a monster. Even if she was a gorgeous monster, but to Edward’s eyes, she was perfect and nothing could have made her perfect even more. He promised himself he was going to help though, this was Bella we are talking about, and Edward would never abandon her. Even if it cost him the whole world, he’d be selfish enough to hand the whole world in destruction just to be with her. He had thought for a while of leaving her. Hurt her so much as to convince her, but it pained Edward more just to think about it. The clock ticked from the wall and it’s been a while since this vampire breathed.

He was as so blind to not notice Bella’s footsteps approaching the room. Edward became so wrapped up in his self guilt that he forgot to keep track of what was happening to her from a distance. Which pained him again. And then she heard her voice. It took him awhile to snap out of a trance thinking he probably was dreaming it. But then, he looked from his place and moved. “Bella…” his voice was soft but distant as he went to her, he didn’t care if he was going to be ripped to shreds anyway. She looked more beautiful as the venom took his toll on her. But as Edward rose to meet her eyes, pain and guilt erupted like a volcano. They were red as blood and the warm colored eyes of Bella was gone now. His eyes hardened and turned passive, ignoring what she said. “You shouldn’t be out here,” he said softly again but knew he could do nothing, so he maneuvered her back to the course of her little prison. She was much safer there than out here where flesh blood might she smell from miles away. He wondered for a moment why Emmett hadn’t noticed her leave; to know that this girl could beat the strongest of the Cullens would be amusing if only it wasn’t so sad that it was her. Edward hated how Rosalie was so smug about her change. He knew Rosalie was jealous of her and disliked her for that reason, but now; she had no right to be cold to Bella now, now that she was like them, monsters. But a part of Edward was relieved that she was still Bella even if she was ravenous. Despite how she looked, she was still her. The woman he loved. And it gladdened him a bit that she was still her reckless self by escaping out of Emmett’s prison just so she could be with him. But what she didn’t know and might find out is that it pained him even more.


Edward wondered how long this phase was going to take its toll on her. He hoped it would be soon so that they could be together. So that he could never hold back. But he actually hoped that they would be like before but better. Edward wondered when it would be, gathering himself he struck a small conversation with her. “How’re you?” he said melodically to Bella but really he wanted to know. Since this was Bella and he was wondering if she was feeling something out of place. Though he already knew that the main thing was hunger. Edward wanted to comfort her, “I’m sorry,” he had whispered softly to her but his face was now softer. And then he placed up his guard again, knowing that his sorry was not enough for what she went through. He didn’t want to see Bella like him, though the thought of being together endlessly warmed him but still. She had her wish, in the most gruesome way, he thinks. Edward would probably make it up to her in endless ways when she was better. He would tend to her head to toe to make her change worthwhile to her. And he had to control her from her hunger around humans. To teach her how to deny the warm blood of humans and turn her hunger to animals instead. But to know that she was taking life plunged him again. The pain seemed endless to Edward. But it was typically him.

ooc - it's very fine

[isabella swan]

STOP BREAKING YOUR HEART YOU'RE
MAKING IT HARD ON YOU DON'T DRIVE IN REVERSE
YOU'VE BEEN THROUGH THE WORST

bella wished there was some way for edward to just let it all go, to chill out and just be with her. even as her body revolted against her, she was trying to put him first. she could take all the pain in the world, if he was ok, but he wasn't. he wasn't ok. she could see it with every movement he made, every facial expression that crossed his face. she hated the idea of him shutting himself off, but that was what he was doing. she could tell. never had she seen his face as stone like as at that moment. even when she had asked him to be a statue he hadn't been this bad. it truly was like he had been carved out of marble, and that was not what she needed. she needed someone to take her mind off of the fact that she was starving hungry and half mad to go out and hunt. she needed someone to hold her when she raved, not stare guiltily as if the world was crushing them. the walls had taken the brunt of her anger because no one else had. she knew technically it was easier to just lock her away and let her scream and destroy, but it was lonely. out of all the emotions she was feeling that was the most prominent, she just felt lonely. in those rare moments when she wasn't begging for food, she wanted someone to talk to, to keep her company. but it was almost as if it was too dangerous to be around her, and that killed her. was she a threat to the very people that meant more to her than anything? she swallowed nothing as she stood there and watched him, waiting for him to at least acknowledge her presence in the room. it wasn't like edward to not hear her coming. had he really just listened for her heartbeat before? did he not want her now she was a vampire without all the pretty human quirks? the questions buzzed around her head like a swarm of bees and she felt like swearing, but did it inside her head instead.

sighing slightly when he did finally speak she turned her face away from the look on his. it was distant, hard, passive almost. as if he truly didn't care. she had broken out of emmett's little prison to come and find him, knowing he needed her, and he was sending her right back. had she been wrong all this time? did he just love her because she human? because she smelt nice and he could use her a spaceheater? it didn't seem likely, but she had always known it wasn't really logical for edward to be in love with her. he had been in love with her quirks, well quirks to him, and now they were gone he just didn't seem bothered. growling a little under her breath she shook herself away from him, refusing to be manhandled back to her prison. if she was going back she was going back of her own free will. it was true that bella did have a bit of a temper, always had done, but at that moment she was confused and lonely so it was all building the frustration inside of her. she wished for a way to turn off the hunger, just switch it off, or ignore it. the other cullen's seemed to manage it, though they had practice she supposed. they had all probably killed to begin with, so why was she set to be any different? moving her eyes to the floor she wondered why edward seemed so desperate to get rid of her, she had walked into the lion's den for him, to keep him happy, and now she was paying the price while he distanced himself. she was lucky in her bond with alice, that had helped to retain her sanity as well. "fine." was her only huffed reply to what he said, a flash of the old bella seeping through all the new.

once back inside her little prison she turned her back to him, looking straight out the window. taking a moment to glance at the destroyed walls before moving her red eyes back to the horizon. the downpour of rain was enough to drive her mad, but at least it would wash away any scents to tempt her. she lifted a pale hand, placing it against the glass, amazed how it no longer felt cold to her touch. because she was cold too now, she was set forever in stone. never changing, never moving. when he asked her how she was she fought back the temptation to scoff. how did he think she was? he was ignoring her, she had let go of everything she knew and loved and she was going half crazy with wanting to feed. but she would never let him know any of that, she refused to add to his suffering anymore than she already had done. he felt guilty already, she couldn't impound that. she loved him too much for that. "fine." was therefore her reply, the only reply she could think of, the only reply that would do. her shoulders relaxed as she continued to press her hand to the glass, finding the point of pressure a reassurance, glad that it didn't shatter under her. maybe her control was improving slighlty with regards to her strength. one step at a time. she didn't even turn to look at him when she heard him say he was sorry. "you've got nothing to be sorry for edward." her tone was soft, despite all the turbulent emotions flying through her like little anvils. she hadn't thought it would be this hard, but she was willing to endure it all, as long as she got him in the end. that was all she wanted truly, just to be with edward forever. but that dream seemed a long way off when he couldn't even seem to look at her without setting himself in stone.

[edward cullen]

YOU ARE CLOUDING UP MY MIND
WHAT DID I DO WRONG?

Edward had guided her back to her prison with his mind wandering and his self wallowed in guilt still. No one could doubt but know that Edward was never going to put this down in a long time. His guilt had shut off every other sense of him and not failed to notice that it was not what Bella was needing right now in her time of need. Edward didn’t know how he was looking like from the outside, how cold and statue looking he looked to her when he could be the same loving Edward she knew before. But no doubt it would be hard putting that façade back on for him. He was so full of guilt, not knowing it was not only his fault and that he should not take it all for him self. But it was typically him to be so, to put all the blame to him self. But it sent a little warmth to Edward when he had Bella in his arms as he guided her back to her prison. A need wanted to keep her there, to just make her stay there until it all just fades away but he controlled him self. He’d probably linger around a little bit, but in a distance, watching Bella. He kept his silence still as they went back to her little prison, listening for Emmett who was nowhere to be found and Rosalie, whose thoughts still echoed in his head. Edward also felt at fault to have burdened Carlisle and Esme into lying their butts off to the people in town. To have all the people in Forks worry so much, they had every right to chase them away with torches and huge forks. He pitied Charlie and Rene, who were worrying like hell for Bella. Her friends and relatives wondering who kidnapped her and what was going on with her. What would happen next to them? Edward knew though that they should not keep Bella missing too long, to make it appear as though she was found again and make everything almost the same.


As Edward turned to a corner, he was snapped out of his reverie as Bella shook her self from his grasp. He watched Bella with his surprised golden eyes and misunderstood her meaning. It was still hard to read Bella’s head but it was easy to read her expression. He had processed it that she probably despised him because he had broken his promise to keep her safe. But now he was the reason of why she had transformed. If he had only tried harder, this would not have happened to them. A pang of pain pierced Edward as he looked down. At that moment, he felt the need to cry, to weep, but instead, he followed Bella to her little prison, not to see if she had made it safely, not that he had to. She could take care of her self as well as any other vampire would now. And when she had replied, Edward knew instantly that she was lying, even though Bella had changed physically, her lying hadn’t changed a bit. It tugged his heart as he looked at her for the first time. It had shed a light to him. She looked fatigued, hallow and… miserable. Edward wanted to make everything better. He could try and make it really better. Edward was torn at that moment. So he went into the little prison of hers and closed the door. But he leaned against the wall and watched Bella solemnly. She was suffering and he was still thinking it was his entire fault. Why everyone was suffering and why the happiness seemed to be sucked out of the world. This was the world of unwanted change. Everyone changed because they were near death. But Bella had the choice. She could have been happy right now. She could perform human miracles like birth, but it was taken all away in a snap from her. She could perform the miracle of growing old and knowing there is a safer place for them in another world called heaven. Edward was unsure of whether vampires had their little heaven or maybe after they really die, they just flit to oblivion. He didn’t want that to happen to Bella, he knew she deserved better than be thrown to abyss.


“Tell the truth,” he spoke from the darkness of the room, his golden eyes and her red eyes stood out of the room like glow in the dark lights. He wanted to know how she really felt, he readied him self of her accusations. Edward watched what the venom was doing to her. She was much like them already. She was more beautiful than ever and her pale skin glowed in the light from the window. And then he watched her lithe movements as she leaned against the glass and relaxed. Edward felt the need to touch her, comfort her and kiss all her pain away. But he had to control himself, so he fisted his hand in control and set his jaw. "you've got nothing to be sorry for edward." but he shook his head. “I am at fault Bella,” he said in a tone full of guilt, “if I had only protected you like I promised,” Edward dropped his gaze to the floor and stared there as if he wanted to bore a hole with his gaze. “This wouldn’t have happened,” he whispered in the gloom atmosphere of the room. If Edward only opened his eyes for a bit, he should not have placed his guilt first than Bella, but to him, his ‘mistake’ deserved a death penalty. Even though it is what she wanted, it was the only thing he acted against. How could anyone want to become a monster? But no doubt, Edward would see through his guilt sooner or later and realize that it was not what Bella needed right now.

[isabella swan]

STOP BREAKING YOUR HEART YOU'RE
MAKING IT HARD ON YOU DON'T DRIVE IN REVERSE
YOU'VE BEEN THROUGH THE WORST

she didn't really know what she had been expecting of vampire life, what she had thought it would be. she hadn't really put much thought into the actual living as one, she had just seen the chance to be with edward forever. it had been a pleasant thought so she hadn't really moved any further into consideration than that. being a vampire meant her and edward could be together until the end of time. now she was living the 'dream' and she wasn't sure it was worth it, especially not edward seemed to be repelled by her very presence. she took a breath and let it out against the window, watching as the cool against the warm formed a mist, but this time it was the warm glass and her cold breath. she quickly wiped the imprint of her existence away, knowing that if someone had seen the mist on the window this secret little room would be discovered. the police had been all over the cullen home, looking for any trace of what had happened to her. they had been first on the list of suspects, but they had not found the room. if they had it would have been death for every one of them, bella would have jumped at even her father during that first day. sighing once more she continued to press her fingers against the glass, wishing control could magically come and she could safely go outside. the lack of fresh air was beginning to claw at her as much as the hunger. bella had never been a very outdoorsy person, too many things to trip over, yet now she wished for a breath of fresh air. she knew she didn't need breath at all, but her human instincts still clung to her like a second skin. she wasn't adjusted yet. which wasn't surprising.

she was highly aware of the movements of the young, well not young, man behind her. it surprised her when he didn't just walk away, that's what he usually did. took her back to the prison and then just walked off again to leave her on her own. that was what she had expected of him, to just act the same way he always did. so when she found the door shut and felt him still inside she hunched her shoulder's a little, wondering if this was a conversation she didn't want to have. was this when he told her that once she was under control he didn't want to have anything to do with her anymore? yet instead of that she got him asking her for the truth. she almost wanted to laugh at that. he didn't want the truth, it would just make him feel worse. he just felt obligated to know what was going on inside her because he blamed himself for the predicament. she didn't want to make him feel any worse. "really, i'm fine." lying was the only way to go with this sort of situation. little white lies that didn't hurt anyone. that was how bella had gotten through the past few days when anyone had asked her how she was, and it had been asked a number of times. the response of being fine was just trained into her, if only control was as simple to train. would have made life much easier. running her finger down the glass she found herself tracing the raindrops, her eyes gazing out over the horizon, watching as the sun slowly sunk away behind the treetops, flickering the sky with colours of red, orange and pink. soon it would be twilight. edward had once called it the safest point of the day for a vampire, but to her it was just another hour spent locked in the attic. she felt like the mad wife in jane eyre. was that what she was? the mad wife?

when he continued to speak she let out another sigh, typical bloody edward. for a moment she felt her temper flare, but she fought it down. getting angry with him was not the way to go, she had to be the calm one. which was ironic baring in mind she was the one tittering on the edge of insanity. pushing her head against the glass she sucked in another breath to try and get a little bit of control over her hunger so she could speak evenly without the groan she wished she could let out. that was typical bella, always edward first. at that present moment it should have been the other way around, but hey at least he wasn't walking out on her. "edward, i wanted this." her voice rang with complete truth, because it was the truth. she had wanted to be a vampire. had told him so in that hospital room. alice had seen this. sure she hadn't seen the circumstances, but she had known it was going to happen and the day bella bet against alice was the day the world ended. becoming a vampire had been on her to do list, and she was semi-glad it had happened before she turned nineteen, or twenty. but she wished it had been him that had changed her, that was her only regret with regards to the circumstances.